I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
