actually, I'm a sock model
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
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