No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
