I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!