how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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