Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
