You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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