smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Randomize
