today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
