The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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