my phone needs a breathalizer
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My life is pants optional.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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