I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
