You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
