Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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