dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
