Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My life is pants optional.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
