Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
