So drunk its hurt
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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