Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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