We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
