last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
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Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
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Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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