Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
