1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
