I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
