Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
this is an emotional support booty call
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
