My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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