Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
