that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
