I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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