I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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