got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I think I sprained my soul last night
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
