Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
