he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
