your parents love me but you hate me
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
