I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
