after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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