I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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