I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
