the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
