well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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