you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
