I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
