This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
