I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
