My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
