Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
