I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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