someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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