I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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