Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
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I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
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EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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