you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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